Are The Adults of Your Youth Fighting on Facebook?
Anticipate this confrontation, insert education.
Arguing, then and now
You know when you were young and your friend’s parents would get into an argument in front of you while you were at their house? It was uncomfortable and made you feel like you wanted to hide.
I’m not talking about the friend whose parents were notorious for fighting. I am talking about the parents that typically get along and support each other.
When those parents fight it makes the fighting that much scarier. It seemed a lot easier to just pack it in and head for the safety of home rather than stay in the house of contention.
Watching adults fight is never ideal. Not then, and not now.
In addition to bringing about our democracy’s downfall, Facebook has opened a new window into the lives of adults we have known for a lifetime. It harkens back to standing in your friend’s kitchen watching a situation unfold, only you aren’t the only one there.
Thanks, Facebook, for shining the light on all the ugliness that exists in the shadows.
Recently I witnessed a disparaging exchange between my parents’ contemporaries and lifelong friends. After marinating in my brain for days, it remains unsettling.
The political and lifestyle divide in the states has evolved over several decades, however, I was never aware of political animosity among the adults of my youth. My own parents never discussed politics, but they instilled civic responsibility and democratic participation as values centrally important to existence.
Parenting proper political participation
My parents believed in the value of citizenship and playing an active role in democracy so my brother and I joined them for every election when they voted. Our polling location was right next door to our house so it was an easy walk for us and we always felt special going with them.
My wife and I always include our boys when we go to the polls as a result of my parents establishing that important foundation. This year they helped us fill out the mail in ballots and watched as we fed ex’d them.
One thing my parents were fairly firm about — what you do in the polling place is your business and no one else’s.
Village mentality
In our small town every kid belonged to every parent. We were all looked after no matter where we were or what we were doing, even when we didn’t want to be seen.
Our parents all knew each other, had parties on weekends together, golfed together, formed committees together and coached soccer together.
It never would have occurred to me that these people would have conflicting political interests or agendas. They simply didn’t talk about that.
Youthful politics
Were you active in politics as a kid? What did that look like? For me, it did not look anything like today’s activism.
I recall in high school when our Tri-Hi-Y took a field trip to a political rally in Richmond for George H W Bush. He was the incumbent and I remember getting into the electricity of the crowd and yelling, “four more years,” along with everyone else.
Everyone else except my friend next to me who pinched my arm and said, “Seriously?” He came from a proudly democratic family and was certain that my political values matched his. He was right and I was embarrassed for shouting.
That’s the most political thing I can remember growing up.
We also learned civil discourse. We spent the year training to attend Model General Assembly in the state capital. This special program, sponsored by the YMCA, engaged students from all over the state. We wrote bills and discussed them in Committee. Bills were subject to revision. Some made it to the floor.
The ultimate success was getting a piece of legislation to the governor. It was a huge moment to learn about the process of collaboration.
Not once did I feel compelled to state my preference for one side or the other of the proverbial political fence. I didn’t even know the word bipartisan.
After it was all over, we came together and sold krispy kreme donuts for a fundraiser. Look at that — learning the political process and caring for our community all in one fell swoop!
Facebook as de facto coliseum
Fast forward. I jump on Facebook to schedule posts for my little start up.
I loathe Facebook and I am only here to business for my business but, while I’m in the space, I see some posts and ensuing conversations that are uncomfortable. Honestly, the feelings are more hurt and betrayal.
It is never pleasant to witness one person attacking another, but when the attacker and the victim are people you have trusted and loved for most of your life, the equilibrium in your heart is suddenly far off balance.
My parents’ best friends are getting into it over police brutality, racism, pandemic regulations, and social security. These people are arguing over things I never learned to actually debate in high school because they didn’t seem like topics for debate.
How does one argue over systemic racism when the facts are blatant? How does one argue about police brutality when young black men are murdered in the street daily — seven bullets in the back in front of his children?
How do you argue about wearing a mask during pandemic times? How did pandemic regulations become a political debate?
Social security? People have been PAYING INTO social security for years under the assumption that the government would watch over that money and create a pension of sorts for retirement. That used to be a thing. An accepted idea, a norm.
Somehow social security has become a debate about entitlement?
I am completely blown away by the vitriol eschewed in some of the posts promelogated by these adults I’ve considered quite stable my whole life.
Perhaps more unsettling than anything else are the adults I know who remain silent. Your silence is deafening.
My parents
This leads me back to my parents who never actually reached retirement age when they might have benefited from the social security system into which they put plenty of hard earned dollars. I’m guessing they were looking forward to that.
My mom was a social justice kind of person and cared deeply for people. My father was a small town attorney who believed in quick wit, God, democracy, and the Navy. Though he was a Republican for most of his life, his policy ideas shifted greatly in the latter part of his career as a prosecutor.
Perhaps his most adjusted outlook involved juveniles, guns, and marijuana. He felt penalties for juveniles were too harsh, that gun buy-back programs were important in the effort to reduce violence, and he hoped marijuana would be legalized.
The departed
I can’t imagine what they would think about the current political divide, but I feel certain they would be challenged to bring their friends to the table for dinner and polite discourse.
I think rather than hiding and deciding to go home early they would use logic, common sense, facts and emotional commitment to find common ground. But the reality is, I’ll ever know what they would do and I’m not sure common ground is possible.
I miss my parents in many ways and I am deeply saddened that my boys don’t know them, but I am grateful they don’t have to live through this time of uncertainty and turmoil.
The stress of being here in this moment is significant.
I have so many questions to ask them. I want to ask Dad about his military commitment to the Commander in Chief. I want to ask my mom how she feels about the march on Charlottesville.
I want to ask them if they’re uncomfortable with the way their friends are talking to each other, but that is not an option.
Anticipate confrontation, insert education
Here’s what you can do. Don’t look away.
Serve to educate. Don’t be tempted to leave the ugly confrontation. Speak from your heart and drop your knowledge. Don’t be afraid to share your insight and perspective.
Accept the responsibility to make the world better for all of our children.
March forward and employ logic, common sense, facts and emotional commitment to find common ground. Teach your children to be kind, to take care of the earth and oceans, and to love thy neighbor as thyself.
If this is as new to you as it is to me, take heart. Sometimes, those adults that helped to shape your world view and lens could benefit from your adult wisdom.
Take a deep breath. Take care of you and your people, educate others when you can, and vote. Use your voice and your platform.
